Are you connected with your spouse or are you just living in close proximity?
I know that Jake’s love tank is getting low when he starts wanting to talk more and more. It’s a signal that I’ve honed in on since we truly learned each other’s Love Languages. He’s looking for a deeper connection than just existing in the same space.
In these moments I can turn from my tasks and engage his need, or I can continue what I’m doing half listening and “mmm-hmming” in all the right places.
I bet you know exactly what I’m talking about.
You see, now that I understand what it takes for him to feel loved by me, my willingness to engage or stay disengaged is even more impactful. I’m definitely not perfect, but it has made me hyper aware of how strongly my decisions affect his emotional wellbeing.
A Love Languages recap
You may know a little about The 5 Love Languages, but in case you need a little refresher!
The 5 Love Languages was written by Dr. Gary Chapman, an author, speaker and marriage and family counselor. After years of helping couples through similar problems, he realized that there are 5 main ways that people give and receive love. He calls them love languages.
Along with that, our “love tank” is our emotional gauge of how well we are being loved. Something hurtful, neglectful or not in our love language can cause a withdrawal from our love tank. The deposits come when our spouse clearly communicates their love to us in a way that we can relate to and understand. This makes learning to speak your partner’s love language imperative to their emotional security in your relationship.
If you want to read a more in depth summary and review of the book, you can check out our post: The Power of Love Language Loving. We also discuss WHY it’s so important to understand your love languages.
We’re going to be breaking down all 5 love languages. We’ll give some practical ways you can express each and share a few ways to avoid costly withdrawals from your spouse’s love tank.
We started with Words of Affirmation. Now we’ll dig into Quality Time.
What is Quality Time?
Time is one of the most valuable commodities that we have access to. We vote for what is most important in our lives based solely on how we spend our time. The great news is that we have 1440 opportunities (minutes) to cast our vote with every new day.
If your primary Love Language is Quality Time, your love tank fills when your spouse chooses to spend time with you. But you know that quality is not the same as quantity. Maybe you work from home and are together all the time or your evenings consist of bingeing Netflix until one of you is asleep on the couch. Both of these examples are quantity of time, but are not considered quality.
Quality Time is giving someone your undivided attention. This is best shown through eye contact, active listening, quality conversation and quality activities.
Something to note: quality activities don’t even have to be the preferred or mutually decided on activities! (Although we believe you should take turns making the choices) The focus is on time together and not exactly what you do.
Do you or your spouse begin to feel off if it’s been a little while since you’ve had a meaningful connection with each other? That might indicate your need for Quality Time.
Here are 15 ways you can love your spouse through Quality Time! (Download a printable version here)
15 ways to love through Quality Time
Have a regular date night
While this is important for all relationships, it’s especially impactful for someone who craves Quality Time. We will never stop encouraging couples to make this a habit in their lives!
Find a hobby you can do together
It might take a little trial and error, but having a hobby you enjoy together can be a wonderful source of Quality Time. Even the journey to finding something you enjoy together can be a lot of fun! Keep the search light hearted and be honest about what you’re enjoying or not. Don’t put too much pressure on it, some people won’t find a mutual hobby and that’s ok too!
Give them 10 minutes of your day
Whether it’s first thing in the morning, during dinner or in the evening after the kids go to bed - give them 10 minutes to tell you about their day and listen well! Ask questions and show your interest in their lives.
Spend time with them sans phones
Set your phone to silent when you’re out on a date and don’t check them! Quality timers deeply understand that their time is precious and finite, they’re choosing to give that gift of time to YOU. The notification can wait until you’re back home.
Prioritize time for them
Being too busy with work or the kids or your friends will be a clear indication to them of their rank in your life. Without discussing it beforehand, coming home late or staying out without them speaks volumes.
Go to bed together or spend time in the morning after you wake up
There are beautiful quiet moments before you fall asleep or after you wake up. Instead of scrolling through your phone during these times, grab them and snuggle close!
Stop what you’re doing when they talk to you
When they’re talking to you give them your undivided attention - put down your phone, pause your game, turn from your computer. It’s not always feasible to stop what you’re doing, but your effort more often than not will be appreciated.
Plan out your year of date nights
What a gift your time is for your partner and we have a great date night idea for you. We’ve put together a fun activity that guides you through planning an entire year worth of dates together. Your imagination is your limit! You can download the pdf for free!
Set goals together
Along with planning your date nights, make plans for your future. They don’t necessarily need to be set in stone. But talking about what you would like your lives to look like in 5 or 10 years will get you and keep you on the same page as you journey toward those goals together.
Get a babysitter occasionally
If you have kids, you may find yourself having a lot of your date nights at home after the kids go to bed. Plan to get a babysitter occasionally - whatever frequency is within budget - and enjoy a night OUT together. Do all the planning and arranging so all they have to do is show up!
Do everyday things together
Do the dishes or fold the laundry together! You have to do these things anyway and chatting while you work will make the time go by quickly.
Go for a scenic drive
Talk about what you see - or just take in the scenery!
Start a project
Are you a Chip and Joanna? Start a house project together instead of leaving it on your honey-do list. Youtube has great tutorials on adding that backsplash or the most efficient ways to paint a wall. We had these really ugly ceiling fans in our first house and decided to paint them - we had a great time and the space got an upgrade!
Go for a nightly walk
We know some couples who have busy lives and find going for an evening walk after dinner helps to lower their stress from the day and gives them the perfect opportunity to connect.
Plan a getaway for once a year
Near or far, the point is it’s just the two of you away from your daily lives. It gives you new scenery to explore or just some uninterrupted time together.
Things to avoid
Our love tanks naturally empty over time and showing love to your spouse is not a one-and-done thing. So while you’re working to keep their tank at a comfortable level, be sure to avoid costly behaviors that drain their tanks quickly.
For Quality Time, you’ll want to minimize the following behaviors:
Prioritizing other people or tasks over your spouse
Time is the desired commodity. Friends, family, kids, work - you must give your spouse the top time priority slot. It doesn’t need to be the majority of your time, just give them your undivided attention and time regularly.
Not being present
The quality part of Quality Time means you need to be present. This means you’re not thinking about your huge list of to-dos at work! You’re not on your phone or watching the tv above the restaurant bar, you are present and listening and responding to your spouse.
Long gaps between one-on-one time
This doesn’t mean long gaps between date nights (although we suggest weekly date nights even if they are at home). It’s just as important to devote a little attention to your spouse every single day or as often as possible. If you’re gone for a work trip, call to check in each day.
Not listening and forgetting
Do you sometimes just let what your spouse says go in one ear and out the other?
If what’s on the tv is really more important than your spouse (insert eyeroll here), ask them to text it to you so you don’t forget. Or if you catch yourself zoning out while they’re talking, let them know that you’re having a hard time focusing and could they state their point OR that you take a quiet moment and come back in a few minutes to finish.
Communicating honestly and with respect will show that you still want to hear them, you just need a minute to be able to focus. If you easily forget things they’ve asked, make a note and set a reminder.Spending too much time in groups
Double dates, group hangouts and entertaining a lot of company at your house are all wonderful things, but they aren’t great settings for quality time. Especially if you’re a people person, you’ll want to talk to your partner about the best way to create a balance so you both get what you need.
It really all comes down to choosing to have healthy communication surrounding your Quality Time needs and the challenges the lack of bring.
Resources
We know this list will set you up for success with your spouse and bring you closer by choosing to love through Quality Time.
We made a printable for you! Download it here. Stick it on your fridge or save the list to your phone - either way keep it as a handy reference while you become proficient in your new language.
Be sure to grab The 5 Love Languages book if you’ve never read it. There’s nothing quite like learning straight from the source!
Take the 5 Love Languages official quiz if you haven’t already. It’s much easier to get started when you know your primary love language for certain!
Next week we’ll share some surprising details about Physical Touch!
