We believe it’s possible to maintain the passion of your early relationship - for life!
You do NOT need to give into the stereotypes that marriage, sex and your passion for each other will fade with time.
But you must take action if you want to prevent them.
With the right foundation and habits, your marriage can be fulfilling and rich in every season or trial you go through. When you were first married, time and attention was easily allocated to your relationship. Staying newlywed is the mindset of keeping your marriage a top priority in your everyday life. Being purposeful will lead to enhanced joy and lasting connection.
Who Are We?
We're Jake and Melissa and we are endlessly passionate about helping your marriage succeed. We want to be real with you. Nothing sugar coated, fake or click-batey. Just pure encouraging content from one married couple straight to you. Above all, we want you to have a full and happy marriage!
READ OUR STORYDisclaimer: This post includes affiliate links, and we will earn a commission if you purchase through these links. Please note that we've linked to these products purely because we recommend them and they are from companies we trust. There is no additional cost to you.
How we got here
Jake and I have been approached by many people, often couples who have been married for a heck of a lot longer than us, who can't understand why we're so happy.
They say “You guys are so in love!” But they always seem to add “Enjoy that while it lasts.”
The wife will wish her husband would flirt with and date her how he used to. Or a husband will knowingly nudge Jake…“enjoy the frequency while it lasts.” Always ending with that same warning, …“while it lasts.”
Join us on the journey of turning “while it lasts” in EVERLASTING.
No one is perfect at relationships, but we are passionate about marriage, each other, and you! We absolutely believe that keeping that “newlywed mindset” alive is achievable - and necessary - for a joy filled and thriving marriage.
Your 7 areas of focus to create a fulfilling and lasting marriage!
Area of Focus: Work on Yourself
No one is perfect and when two imperfect people come together…the divorce rate is a good indicator of what can happen, but not what NEEDS to happen.
We all come with baggage. When you work through your junk, you are better able to show up for your marriage. It's really that simple. Marriage is 100/100 not 50/50, so own your issues. What habits did you have as a single person that may not work best when living with a partner?
I (Melissa), realized just how selfish I was in my first 6 months of marriage. I had been doing everything that I wanted for so long, it was a huge learning curve to all of a sudden have to take Jake's needs and desires into consideration. Had I not recognized and changed my way of thinking, we may not be here helping you today! Learn how I overcame this behavior.
ACTION STEP!
You know what you will respond to best. It could be therapy, journaling, prayer, recognizing and changing habits, or simply learning more about yourself. It could also be recognizing YOUR contribution to any issues you are facing. Choose one thing to start working on this week.
Area of Focus: Know Your Spouse
You probably know their favorite foods, sports teams, maybe their dreams of someday owning their own business. Can you easily list what types of things get them excited about life? What is their communication style and how best do they process a disagreement? Do you know what makes them feel most loved?
Knowing who they are at a core level can bring so much clarity and perspective to your life. It can help arguments resolve quicker and it can help you extend mercy when they are struggling with something. Understanding their nature will help you communicate clearly and respond to them in ways that are respectful to who you both are.
Finding new ways to get to know your spouse can be a fun homework assignment and brings so much intimacy! Discover strategies to do this today!
ACTION STEP!
Check out our blog post about love language loving.
Area of Focus: Pursue Oneness
Habits #1 and #2 are about understanding and celebrating each of your unique identities. Pursuing oneness is taking two one-of-a-kind people and making the continual choice to be unified in partnership. There is such power in joining forces instead of living parallel to each other.
Oneness is the state of being unified and whole.
When your ultimate goal is oneness, disagreements and life's twists are easier to tackle because you are choosing what's best for the team, not necessarily what's best for only yourself. You can accomplish so much more with your team intact. Dream together; joy in your marriage will come from a pursuit of oneness, not an individual pursuit.
ACTION STEP!
What are you currently focusing on? If your individual pursuits (work, hobbies, dreams, feelings) don't include your spouse more often than they do, that might be a good indicator of an imbalance.
Area of Focus: Communicate
Seems like a given, but it's really easy for life to get in the way of communication.
Communicating with your spouse doesn't have to be a ramble session. It can look like verbalizing thoughts, not holding back saying your needs or disappointments, or a simple “Thank you” or “I love you.” Communication can also include listening, body language, and touching! Don't assume that actions will speak for themselves. It is important to verbalize as well.
In our experience, this can be one of the most underrated and overlooked areas of a relationship! Communicating your thoughts, feelings, and expectations early and often can derail an argument before it even starts. It also builds trust and transparency between you.
ACTION STEP!
Get in the habit of telling your spouse about your day at work and the emotions that you felt. Something that isn't relationship focused could be a good neutral way to start! Once you've got that down, you can open up more about your relationship.
Area of Focus: Reflect & Make a Plan
In most productivity planners there are daily, weekly, and monthly reflection questions and a place to document how to plan to reach your goals. If you're willing to answer those questions to improve yourself (yay! see habit #1), then think of what that kind of reflection and planning could do for your marriage!
So instead of going years on autopilot or knowing your marriage is lacking in an area but you aren't speaking up, start by making a schedule to COMMUNICATE (habit #4). Do this regularly with the purpose of focused improvement!
It could be a monthly or quarterly activity you do with your spouse. We suggest a weekly habit you maintain throughout your marriage. Get together, talk about what's going on and then plan to make changes. The trick is to LISTEN to each other and be open to consider opinions and make changes if it's appropriate. Need to figure out how to fit this into your schedule? Check out our tips to make the time for your marriage!
ACTION STEP!
Here are some questions to get you started:
- How are you feeling about our relationship?
- How could I be supporting you more?
- What makes you feel most loved by me?
Area of Focus: Prioritize Sexual Intimacy
(Disclaimer: If you are struggling with past abuse or are in an abusive situation, please seek help before implementing this.)
I had a pastor once say that intimacy in the context of a relationship is “in to me, you see.” You get the extraordinary privilege to see the side of your spouse that is the most transparent compared to any relationship they will ever have. Which means you have the extraordinary responsibility to nurture and love them in ways no one else can.
If our goal is oneness, then intimacy has to go hand in hand with it. So have sex. There are other forms of intimacy, but sexual intimacy is the focus here.
Sex is the ultimate expression of oneness and intimacy. Everyone's sexual needs differ, so communicate them and, with the goal of oneness, determine the best frequency for your relationship. It might require compromise, it might come easy sometimes, and it might look like scheduling sex in other seasons. It's going to look different for everyone, but it is necessary. Don’t take it for granted, learn how to prioritize your sex life!
ACTION STEP!
Consider: Are my sexual needs being met? Are my spouse's needs being met? The partner with the lower sex drive usually sets the pace leaving the other partner lacking. So how can we compromise with each other's desires so we are both satisfied?
Area of Focus: Create Boundaries in Life
If you're too busy to do any of the tips above, you might need to create some boundaries in your life. Boundaries are limits that are set in order to maintain healthy relationships and protect ourselves from harm.
Two places you should evaluate your boundaries are within your relationship and external influences.
A quick example: Do you spend more time with your friends than with your spouse? Maybe you work late constantly. Your spouse is the person you chose to spend your life with. If they get the last of your time and energy, you might be inadvertently placing a boundary to keep your spouse OUT instead of in. Let’s evaluate our boundaries.
ACTION STEP!
A great way to start refocusing time to your spouse is pretty cliché, but it's DATE NIGHT! We have two nights a week (usually at home because of kids) where once our son is in bed there are no phones, no work or chores, just us. We talk, we laugh, we watch tv, whatever is needed that night. It doesn't have to be fancy, it just requires time.
It’s totally ok if this seems overwhelming! Start by choosing an area that resonated with you and take a small action step today and build on your foundation one step at a time.
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Disclaimer: We are not licensed therapists. We suggest if you are struggling with any aspect of your relationship that you seek real medical guidance. Any marriage can benefit from counseling. This list is purely anecdotal.